The Ancients and Their Pesky Machines
by YappiChick
Summary: John should know by now not to touch everything on base.


Author's notes: I would love to know what you think! :D :D

John Sheppard woke up with a splitting headache and a strong desire to kill Rodney. Last night (or was it early morning?) McKay woke up John, demanding his presence to activate a new machine that his team of scientists found. After three hours and touching every inch of the machine, nothing happened. Finally, John stormed out of the room, demanding that McKay leave him alone for the next twenty-four hours.

He rolled out of bed and stood up, noticing that his room seemed different…almost bigger somehow. John shrugged it off to lack of sleep and made his way to the bathroom for a well-deserved shower. He flung his clothes off, noting they felt different too.

He scrubbed his face and looked in the mirror.

And that's when he discovered what Rodney's mysterious machine did.

Staring back at him in the mirror was a slack-jawed woman.

That was it. Rodney was going to die.

He closed his eyes briefly before looking down at his body. Sure enough, he was given an eyeful of woman--more than he's seen in a while, he sadly noted. Quickly, he grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his unfamiliar body.

He crossed the room, grabbed his radio and called for the only woman who wouldn't laugh at his situation too much.

Teyla.

"Teyla, are you there?"

A couple of seconds passed before he got his confused answer. "I am sorry, but who is this?"

He inwardly sighed. Of course, she wouldn't recognize him. He tried lowering his voice. "It's John. I need your help." He winced. That didn't make him sound any better.

"John? Do you need me to call for medical assistance?" came the worried reply.

"No!" he squealed. "I'm fine. Really. But, um, could you bring me some of your clothes? Like an entire outfit? The sooner the better."

A long silence passed. John was sure she had ignored his advice and called for Keller to go to his quarters. "Very well," she said slowly. "I will be there shortly." Another pause. "Are you alright, John?"

No, he thought. Aloud, he said, "I'll explain when you get here."

Ten minutes later, the door chimed. He walked up to the crystal and waved his hand in front of it, standing to the side where no one could see him. Teyla, her arms full of clothes and Torren, walked into the room uncertainly. "John?"

His shoulders sagged in relief. "Teyla, over here," he replied, coming out of his hiding spot.

She eyes narrowed slightly. "Where is Colonel Sheppard?"

"Teyla, it's me."

"You are a woman."

To his horror, John started crying. "I know! Rodney did something to me and I woke up like this. I didn't know what else to do!"

Carefully, she set Torren down on the floor and looked into John's eyes. She must have determined he was telling the truth, because she shook her head with a smile. "Have you contacted Rodney?"

He shook his head. "I'm still trying to convince myself not to kill him."

She raised her eyebrow as she handed him the clothes. "Soon you will learn not to offer your help."

"Hey!" he said snatching the clothes away, "he asked me to come down. And you know Rodney, he doesn't shut up until he gets his way."

"That is true," she replied as he turned and walked away.

John closed the door behind him and surveyed the clothes Teyla had brought. Fortunately, she had brought one of her Atlantis uniforms. He did not feel like strutting around in Atlantis in her Athosian clothing. Though, he had to admit some of the tops would look cute on him now.

Where did that come from? Impulse to kill or no, John needed to find Rodney quickly. He held up a little strap of fabric and studied it. That was what Teyla used as underwear? Oh well, he thought, slipping on the satin lingerie. He wiggled a little after he put it on. Very comfortable.

Next was the bra. He was quite adept at removing them, but he suspected putting it on was going to be more of a problem. He slid an arm through each loop and reached around, trying to hook the clasp together. Several minutes and more than a dozen swear words later, John only had one of the two clasped linked.

A gentle knock came from the door. "John? Are you ok?"

"I'm fine!" he said more tersely than he intended. Finally, he snapped the other claps together. Quickly, he slipped on the shirt and pants. He looked at himself in the mirror. Too bad Teyla didn't bring any makeup, he thought, frowning.

Instantly, he stopped that line of thinking. McKay was going to fix this and there was no way he, John Sheppard, the man, was going to be caught wearing cosmetics on base. He walked out of the bathroom and presented himself to Teyla.

"So, how do I look?" he asked with a nervous smile.

"Good," she said with a smile. "It is difficult to believe you are really John."

"I'll take that as a compliment," he said, grabbing his combat boots.

"John," she said, "I do not think they will fit."

To his dismay, she was right. His foot was swimming in his boot. "What am I going to do? I can't go to Rodney without shoes on."

Teyla put her hand on his shoulder reassuringly. "We will go to my quarters and get some there. And while we are there, I will find something to do with your hair."

"What's wrong with my hair?" he asked defensively.

Teyla picked up Torren and frowned. "When your hair is short, it looks fine. But, when your hair is long, as it is now, having it stick straight up makes you look…interesting."

John looked at himself. He guessed he did look like one of those good luck trolls. "Fine. Lead the way."

*************

Fifteen minutes later, John had the proper shoes on and his hair was styled. Though, he thought as he touched one of the pigtails, it seemed too Vala-like for him. Teyla, however, assured him that it looked fine.

Now, without the safety of Teyla, John walked down the long corridor to Rodney's lab alone. Hips swaying, John made his way inside the large room. Rodney looked at him, annoyed. "This is a private lab."

"Rodney," John said with a huff, "it's me."

Rodney looked at John with a critical eye. "Me who?"

John sat on the chair next to him, subconsciously crossing his legs. "John."

Rodney did a triple-take. "Sheppard? But…but--"

"You're going to fix this before anyone else finds out about this," John demanded.

Rodney nodded, still flabbergasted at this woman in front of him. "Come on," he instructed, grabbing his tablet and leading John out to the corridor.

Much to John's chagrin, a couple of the Marines flashed McKay a thumb's up sign as they were making their way to the lab that contained the machine. Was this how all women felt? He suddenly understood the Feminist Movement.

He forced himself to focus on McKay and his ceaseless babbling. "You know, I had no idea that the machine was going to do this. I mean, it's not like the Ancients put a warning sign on it--Caution! Will switch genders. It did do a good job though. I would never be able to tell you were a man yesterday. I bet Jennifer would--"

"No," John said. "No one else is going to find out about this. Not Keller. Not Woolsey. Nobody, got it?"

"Fine," Rodney huffed as they entered the room. "Give me a couple of minutes to figure out how to reverse the effects."

John nodded as he walked around the large room, careful not to touch anything else. His reflection caught his eye and he started poofing his hair, adding volume.

"Come on, Sheppard," came the annoyed response. "Don't you spend enough time on your hair as a man?"

Ignoring his comment, John made his way to Rodney. "What did you find out?"

Rodney frowned. "That it's going to be more difficult than what I thought."

"That is not what I wanted to hear," he said.

Before Rodney could respond, Radek walked through the door. "Rodney!" he said, surprised. "What are you doing here? I thought you wanted me to put the device back where we found it."

"Not now, Zelenka," responded Rodney crankily.

Radek turned to John. "I'm sorry, but I don't think we've met. Are you new to Atlantis?"

John flashed a look at Rodney as if to say _you explain this_. Rodney fidgeted. "That's, uh, Colonel Sheppard."

Radek's eyes widened. "Colonel, why are you dressed up like a woman?"

John crossed his arms. "I'm dressed like on because I am one. That machine turned me into a woman. And I'm waiting for McKay to fix it so I can go back to normal."

"Well," Radek said, looking at John, "the machine did an extremely effective job."

"If you would stop checking Sheppard out, I could use some help over here," Rodney tersely said.

A blush of color stained the Czech's cheeks. "I was not 'checking him out', Rodney. I was impressed with how quickly the machine was able to--"

"Fine, whatever. Let's just get this figured out," interrupted Rodney.

An hour later, the scientists were no closer to determining a solution when Teyla came into the room. "John," she said smoothly. "Mr. Woolsey is looking for you."

He panicked. There was no way Woolsey could find out about this transformation. John shuddered as he thought of the paperwork that would be required. He was sure there was an IOA form when an Ancient machine switched genders. "You've gotta stall him. Please," he begged.

She turned to Rodney and Radek, who were working diligently. "I will try. But, he is upset that you did not attend his 'What to Do When You Are behind Paperwork' conference."

"Just tell him I'm working on all my paperwork," John replied.

"Very well," she said. "I do not know how long I can keep him away though."

"Thanks!" John squealed, happy to know someone was watching his back.

As Teyla left the room, he heard Radek mutter, "Did he just squeal?"

Another hour passed, when Teyla contacted John on his earpiece. "John, Mr. Woolsey is coming down there. He wants to ask Rodney where you are."

"All right, boys," John said to the two men, "Woolsey is on his way here. So tell me that you have figured a way to change me back."

The two exchanged a look. "Perhaps," Zelenka finally said.

"What does that mean?"

"It means that either it will change you back to John Sheppard, the man…or…,"

"Or what?" John demanded.

"All the DNA restructuring might kill you," Radek finished with a wince.

John thought of all the paperwork he would have to file if Woolsey found out about his gender switch; it would be a fate worse than death. "Let's do it."

"Are you sure?" Rodney asked.

John put his hand on his hip. "Yes, Rodney, I'm sure. What do I need to do?"

"Just touch the center console three times with your right hand and then turn this dial with your left," Radek instructed.

"That's it?"

The two nodded simultaneously.

John did as he was instructed and waited.

Nothing happened.

"Well, at least you aren't dead," Rodney responded dryly.

"Perhaps, it will take time. Remember, when you left the lab this morning, you were a man," Radek offered.

"But, Woolsey is coming now!" John said with dismay.

"Just hide behind the desk. We'll cover for you," Rodney said.

John agreed and tucked his body away from Woolsey's prying eyes.

He sat hidden behind the desk, hoping that something, *anything* would happen. Before he could consider the implications of changing his name to Joan Sheppard, John heard footsteps approaching the room. He squeezed his eyes shut, as if that would keep him more hidden.

"Dr. McKay, Dr. Zelenka, have either of you two seen Colonel Sheppard? He missed this morning's conference."

"Don't know," said McKay, seemingly annoyed.

"He was in here late last night trying to help us activate this machine, perhaps he is still in his quarters," suggested Radek.

Woolsey sighed. "Very well. I'll look for him there. Did the colonel ever get the machine to work?"

"No," the two answered quickly.

As John listened to the conversation, his swore his clothes were tighter than they were before, but he still refused to open his eyes. If he was, in fact, turning back into a man, he wouldn't be able to contain the whoop of joy. He turned his attention back to Woolsey, who was speaking again.

"If you see Colonel Sheppard, please tell him that I am looking for him."

"Ok," Rodney said, turning back to the tablet.

Woolsey spun on his heal and walked out of the room.

As his footsteps receded, John slowly opened his eyes and looked down at his body. Gone were the womanly curves. All that greeted his sight was the firmly toned muscles pushing against the too tight shirt.

"All right, Sheppard, you're fine to come out," Rodney called.

As he stood up, both men let out a sigh of relief. "Oh thank God," whispered Rodney.

"Now, if one of you wouldn't mind, I need a change of clothes before someone sees me in this," he said, pointing to the now-too-small clothes.

"I will," Rodney said, scurrying out of the lab.

The bra has *got* to go, thought John

But the thong would stay.

Very comfortable.


End file.
